Can I Get a Break?
last night mel and i received a business card covered with images of in/famous black lesbian and bisexual women. on the far right side behind bold lettering was a picture of what strongly appeared to be nell carter. i pushed it aside, ignored it. we talked about the other women on the card, who they were, "that doesn't look nothing like bessie smith"...but nothing about nell. time passes. mel points and says that looks like nell....
von: I don't know what you're saying.
mel: but von, why is nell car....
von: I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
mel: von, that is ....
von: I DON'T....
mel: Nell....
NOTHING 'BOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i remember watching gimme a break as a kid. i loved nell carter. i so desperately wanted to be that fucking joey-from-blossom kid. i wanted her to grab me and place my head deep within her busting bosom as she held me and told me it was going to be alright....before vacuuming my bedroom floor. when i was driving home, mel called to tell me that yes it was nell carter and as she googled her, despicably whispering 'nell carter LESbian' as she typed, it was not NEW news to me that she had died poor and had 2 adopted children with her secret lesbian lover. i realized i had read that when she passed several years ago. but my mind just couldn't wrap itself around the idea that nell fucking carter, yo feets too big nell fucking carter, white boys nell carter, give me a muthafucking bitch ass g-damn break nell carter was a lesbian!! WHY IS THAT!??!?!?!? her presence to me is warm like a mothers. even though i have a wonderful strong courageous mother whom i adore greatly, i still wanted to be a part of nell's tv family. i wanted her to give me that shocked look, vibrant laughter and sing to me when i was down.
in a related side note, i saw a MOST AMAZING BLACK GAY TV SHOW last night entitled The DL Chronicles. Now, initially going into this i already had my arms crossed, lips pursed ready to be pissy as a baby beyotch. however, this episode was the best written black material i have seen in almost ever LET ALONE it's achievements as black GAY material. the acting, the story, the REALNESS!! the sexy love scene. wow. there was also a storyline in this episode that correlates to my feelings for nell carter's queerness. a father was closeted from his college aged daughter. his ex-wife knew before they married but they both believed his gayness could be cured by staying in the marriage. before he acted out in his homosexuality during their married years, the father shared with his wife the situation and they split up. BOTH agreeing never to tell their daughter. well, of COURSE the now college aged daughter sees her father giving his secret boyfriend a kiss on the forehead and questions the boyfriend about his relationship with her father. she was upset, torn, everything wasn't okay. and when her father and she finally sat down to discuss it, he said that he was trying to protect her, but she in turn said no, he was trying to protect himself. protect himself. he lied. and that is the issue at hand. for so many years she believed her father was one thing. she felt sorry for him that he never dated after the divorce thinking he was still hung up over her mother. so she treated him with a gentle approach of kindness and understanding not normally provided a father at all times. however, their relationship could have gone in a different direction had she known of her father's gayness and the real reason he never dated women after her parents' divorce.
nell, it is with a similar heart i approach thee. why didn't you say anything sooner? i would have still loved you. i do love you. and i love what you provided me in my youth and as an adult by being a fucking amazing actress and singer of the stage and screen. however, i feel such an emptiness that i never knew you as you truly were. so many years were removed from the deeply prolific faux relationship we could have had. it would have been so much more amazing to have known a black lesbian existed, you didn't have to be out of the closet with a flame attached to your ass. but you could have just been here. in the irreverent words of ms. celie from the color purple. i'm black. i'm a woman. i may even be ugly. but i'm here. I'M HERE! damn it nell, i wish i knew you were there.
-von
von: I don't know what you're saying.
mel: but von, why is nell car....
von: I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
mel: von, that is ....
von: I DON'T....
mel: Nell....
NOTHING 'BOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i remember watching gimme a break as a kid. i loved nell carter. i so desperately wanted to be that fucking joey-from-blossom kid. i wanted her to grab me and place my head deep within her busting bosom as she held me and told me it was going to be alright....before vacuuming my bedroom floor. when i was driving home, mel called to tell me that yes it was nell carter and as she googled her, despicably whispering 'nell carter LESbian' as she typed, it was not NEW news to me that she had died poor and had 2 adopted children with her secret lesbian lover. i realized i had read that when she passed several years ago. but my mind just couldn't wrap itself around the idea that nell fucking carter, yo feets too big nell fucking carter, white boys nell carter, give me a muthafucking bitch ass g-damn break nell carter was a lesbian!! WHY IS THAT!??!?!?!? her presence to me is warm like a mothers. even though i have a wonderful strong courageous mother whom i adore greatly, i still wanted to be a part of nell's tv family. i wanted her to give me that shocked look, vibrant laughter and sing to me when i was down.
in a related side note, i saw a MOST AMAZING BLACK GAY TV SHOW last night entitled The DL Chronicles. Now, initially going into this i already had my arms crossed, lips pursed ready to be pissy as a baby beyotch. however, this episode was the best written black material i have seen in almost ever LET ALONE it's achievements as black GAY material. the acting, the story, the REALNESS!! the sexy love scene. wow. there was also a storyline in this episode that correlates to my feelings for nell carter's queerness. a father was closeted from his college aged daughter. his ex-wife knew before they married but they both believed his gayness could be cured by staying in the marriage. before he acted out in his homosexuality during their married years, the father shared with his wife the situation and they split up. BOTH agreeing never to tell their daughter. well, of COURSE the now college aged daughter sees her father giving his secret boyfriend a kiss on the forehead and questions the boyfriend about his relationship with her father. she was upset, torn, everything wasn't okay. and when her father and she finally sat down to discuss it, he said that he was trying to protect her, but she in turn said no, he was trying to protect himself. protect himself. he lied. and that is the issue at hand. for so many years she believed her father was one thing. she felt sorry for him that he never dated after the divorce thinking he was still hung up over her mother. so she treated him with a gentle approach of kindness and understanding not normally provided a father at all times. however, their relationship could have gone in a different direction had she known of her father's gayness and the real reason he never dated women after her parents' divorce.
nell, it is with a similar heart i approach thee. why didn't you say anything sooner? i would have still loved you. i do love you. and i love what you provided me in my youth and as an adult by being a fucking amazing actress and singer of the stage and screen. however, i feel such an emptiness that i never knew you as you truly were. so many years were removed from the deeply prolific faux relationship we could have had. it would have been so much more amazing to have known a black lesbian existed, you didn't have to be out of the closet with a flame attached to your ass. but you could have just been here. in the irreverent words of ms. celie from the color purple. i'm black. i'm a woman. i may even be ugly. but i'm here. I'M HERE! damn it nell, i wish i knew you were there.
-von
posted by state of our nation at 9:39 AM
3 Comments:
Col. Jessep:You want answers?
Kaffee:I think I'm entitled.
Col. Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth.
Col. Jessep: You can't handle the truth!!
Appearently. I mention Nell Carter being lesbian...and you will hear nothing of it. And she was jewish. Booyahhh!! It can be hard seeing people in a new light. Seeing an adult you knew as a child as a person and not as this example of perfect greatness takes time. AND Nell wasn't really clockable... one of the hardest things to clock is a femme or motherly blk les. Clocking one of those is like seeing a blk swan - mel
***running back in***
OH! And black sexuality isn't often times talked about in the media. She may have lived openly, just no one reported it.
you and i both know that she didn't live openly. why isn't there a pic of her partner anywhere to be found? i mean for real? not even at a party. nothing. some places don't even mention that she was survived by her partner. tragic.
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